Understanding my loss, finding a new direction

At 28 I've  found myself lost,  confused and having to rethink everything I had planned,  I've reassessed my friends,  demoted my self in work,  and de cluttered my belongings, my mind can't cope sitting in a crowded space.

5 months ago my fiance passed away,  I frequently find myself talking about him as though he's still here, thinking he's on holiday, imagining he's behind me and I just can't see him. I don't know if that's better (crazier)  or worse than when he first passed and I immediately wanted everything gone,  I wanted to pretend he'd never existed so I wouldn't have to be sad.

I spent the first few weeks busy and with friends imagining it was a party.  The crying didn't really start until they stopped being around. I guess my body knew more than my mind,  I threw up after almost every bite for a good month,  I shook uncontrollably and still do when I forget the medication, I crave attention and to be wanted, I miss being touched.

I threw things away,  refused to look in cupboards if I didn't know what they contained, binned the sympathy flowers/ left them with my parents,  hid the cards away unopened. I refused to deal with him being gone.  I'm still not dealing with it, I've cried more because I felt I was being selfish for loosing my future, I haven't had the mental capacity to realise he's gone.

So I'm sitting here next to a note pad,  I'm supposed to be packing our things so I can downsize,  instead I thought I'd write a bucket list. It turns out though that all I want to do is sit on a sunny beach and zone out,  I have no other wants because they all involve him. But I think spacing out for a while might be good for me, I can imagine seeing sunlight at the end of all this,  I need some new direction to get there though, any ideas?

Love
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3 Comments Add yours

  1. I lost my fiancée a long time ago. Life went on, I married, but Susanna is never far from my mind. I write about her. About us. I grieve still, but not like she died yesterday. I grieve now for what I missed, a life with her. At least I think we would have had a life together. I read that there are five stages of love (some say more, some say fewer). Apparently, I’m stuck in the first stage, the stage where you are filled with the first flush of love, where she (or he) fills your heart with song, where your guts ache when they aren’t sitting next to you, where you can’t sleep if they aren’t lying next to you. Well, I don’t really mind remaining in the first stage. I’d rather stay in love with Susanna that way than let her slip away from me forever. Still, the heartache never goes away. Time hasn’t healed that wound.
    Keep writing.

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    1. I think it’s beautiful how you remember Susanna so dearly and closely. The first stage of love is always the best, you’re right, your new wife must be a strong and loving woman.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for replying! I didn’t think my comment went through.
        Yes, Jayne is strong and loving, and she knows the story. Susanna was never a competitor to Jayne, just a memory that I never brought up but kept inside. When I began writing in earnest three years ago, I wanted to understand my relationship with Susanna. For years she was a memory that came to me when I reflected on my life in Spain, watched romantic movies, and things like that. I think too, as we get older, we have time to reflect on our past, and we try to tie up loose ends. Susanna is one of those.
        It’s funny; it feels almost cathartic to write that.
        Don’t forget your fiance.

        Liked by 1 person

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