What I wish the people around me knew

I must apologize,  the wine made my spelling awful.

What feels like the hardest thing whilst going through bereavement is how people act around you, I feel paranoid and judged, like I should act a certain way,  and because I appear ‘fine’, I’m over it and I must be coping.  I want to drag them to a book store and throw books on loss at them.  I want them to ask me about what happened, but they feel uncomfortable when with me talking about anything but themselves.

In life you have people who care and nurture others, their lives, their beliefs and help them follow their path to a better future.  And so often you find these people have their own issues,  mental health or previous traumas,   they can’t find comfort in their own lives, so assist others to help fulfil theirs.

I’ve always been that type of person, (and luckily a couple of my closest friends are also) ,  I’ve never felt that I’m achieving enough,  I set goals for myself in life and in work.  Having a partner I’d focused that onto his lost soul,  helped him along his journey,  and he was happy.  He had a million ideas,  for businesses and how our lives would be.  I helped sift and brainstorm and plan and research and found finances or funded him.

But since he’s passed I have no one to care for.  I need to focus on me,  which isn’t something I’m comfortable with,  it gives me anxiety just thinking about it. This year was meant to be our wedding and hopefully when we conceived.  Now I have to praise myself for doing the smallest thing, because every moment is a struggle.

“oh wow you put the bins out,  you’re such a good adult” “good job eating a vegetable”

although the latter is a rare occasion.

I want people to understand how it feels to lose your future at a young age (28) but without kids, every death is a different situation. Someone close to me lost her husband around the same time my fiance passed away, and as I sat here alone as Christmas crept closer,  she messaged me support and love,  and said she felt that maybe having her kids with her made the gap (being her husband)  easier to bear. Their children understood he was gone although they are young,  and it wasn’t easy,  but they made her life worth waking up for,  they make her productive and loving. I think in a way there is positives and negatives in what she is saying,  she is now a lone parent to two young children.  But has them with her.  I have broken dreams but no one to travel down my path with,  I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

About a week after the funeral, Roughly about 3 weeks after he passed I went back to work.  I wanted stability, it made me remember to eat.

Out of 60 people,  4 people mentioned his death.  One only after she had to help me whilst I had a panic attack.  That was the same time people, people I thought where close friends stopped messaging,  ringing,  doing anything.

Is it normal to send a condolence card,  or a message straight after the death,  then do nothing more? Because I can’t understand the logic.

Show up at grieving friends or relatives homes,  get let in or don’t, and don’t just do it once.  eventually they will remember you cared.

I said on my last post that I didn’t want to associate anything with death in the house, so the flowers and cards didn’t stay here,  one friend brought a goody bag,  I was the most grateful of this –

chocolate, after not food shopping and barely eating in weeks,  having something small to nibble on was perfect.

Socks, I bought new clothes for about 3 months because I couldn’t bear to do washing, so they were great (also people should offer to do the laundry etc)

Movies, zone out time for when I wasn’t restless, and they were movies I didn’t relate to him.

Candles and bath products,  the little things helped me feel a little more normal.

Trust me,  the girl in alone again on a Saturday night because she knows promiscuity is a negative grief thing – every little thing helps when your friend or family member is sad in any way.

JFDI (just Fucking do it)  I learnt that today from a book I bought about grieving.

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