My Unhealthy Greif

I realise how I’m acting is unhealthy.  I threw myself into work as soon as possible after his death,  tried to hide my emotions and managed to push caring people away from me.

The way I cope isn’t uncommon,  but we all know it won’t lead down a nice road eventually.

I’m waiting patiently for a councilor to contact me after I managed to reach out for help,  I don’t know how long the wait takes,  and I don’t know what help it will bring,  but I’m looking forward to talking to someone who will truly listen.

I’ve never been a big drinker, so I guess that’s the first major unhealthy change;  I drink almost daily, whether it’s alone or out with company.

However the public drinking brings issues for me,  if I’m out I’m promiscuous, I want to be wanted,  and boy have I done a good job at it, kissing and teasing my way though my city. But all I really want is to take someone home, just to hold me.

24/7 I want to look perfect,  and not achieving that makes me feel anxious and socially unacceptable.

I didn’t eat for a long time,  and when I started to again I only ate take away,  which unfortunately for my purse is still the case.

I’ve smoked more than in my whole life,  purely because it gives me something to occupy my hands with and I don’t seem to care about the health risks.

I’ve done hard drugs and partied the nights away, and taken drugs to make me feel numb.

I, without realising, tried to break up my Mans best friend and his girlfriend,  purely so I could have more attention and grieve with someone close.

I did something that no one around me knows, which I hope they never find out,  but something that made me feel more wanted than I have done recently than any of the other men have made me feel.  I found myself an older man.  With him I know there is no future or long-term ‘thing’ (the age gap etc etc)  he understands my loss,  although I never knew him before,  he brings me gifts and wants to see me for company which is something none of the younger men would want, a percentage of my missing self seems more aware now.

I’m on anti-anxiety medication now,  and this has helped a lot with these feelings,  but I wonder why a doctor would place someone who they know is struggling, onto something that makes them feel worse until they settle into their system. I felt disorientation and a lack of energy for weeks,  depressed and I self harmed.  One thing I learnt from it though is that putting a hot clipper lighter onto your skin burns nicely into his initial. Messed up I know.

Luckily I’m over that stage and I’m plodding along with my resting bitch face.

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What I wish the people around me knew

I must apologize,  the wine made my spelling awful.

What feels like the hardest thing whilst going through bereavement is how people act around you, I feel paranoid and judged, like I should act a certain way,  and because I appear ‘fine’, I’m over it and I must be coping.  I want to drag them to a book store and throw books on loss at them.  I want them to ask me about what happened, but they feel uncomfortable when with me talking about anything but themselves.

In life you have people who care and nurture others, their lives, their beliefs and help them follow their path to a better future.  And so often you find these people have their own issues,  mental health or previous traumas,   they can’t find comfort in their own lives, so assist others to help fulfil theirs.

I’ve always been that type of person, (and luckily a couple of my closest friends are also) ,  I’ve never felt that I’m achieving enough,  I set goals for myself in life and in work.  Having a partner I’d focused that onto his lost soul,  helped him along his journey,  and he was happy.  He had a million ideas,  for businesses and how our lives would be.  I helped sift and brainstorm and plan and research and found finances or funded him.

But since he’s passed I have no one to care for.  I need to focus on me,  which isn’t something I’m comfortable with,  it gives me anxiety just thinking about it. This year was meant to be our wedding and hopefully when we conceived.  Now I have to praise myself for doing the smallest thing, because every moment is a struggle.

“oh wow you put the bins out,  you’re such a good adult” “good job eating a vegetable”

although the latter is a rare occasion.

I want people to understand how it feels to lose your future at a young age (28) but without kids, every death is a different situation. Someone close to me lost her husband around the same time my fiance passed away, and as I sat here alone as Christmas crept closer,  she messaged me support and love,  and said she felt that maybe having her kids with her made the gap (being her husband)  easier to bear. Their children understood he was gone although they are young,  and it wasn’t easy,  but they made her life worth waking up for,  they make her productive and loving. I think in a way there is positives and negatives in what she is saying,  she is now a lone parent to two young children.  But has them with her.  I have broken dreams but no one to travel down my path with,  I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

About a week after the funeral, Roughly about 3 weeks after he passed I went back to work.  I wanted stability, it made me remember to eat.

Out of 60 people,  4 people mentioned his death.  One only after she had to help me whilst I had a panic attack.  That was the same time people, people I thought where close friends stopped messaging,  ringing,  doing anything.

Is it normal to send a condolence card,  or a message straight after the death,  then do nothing more? Because I can’t understand the logic.

Show up at grieving friends or relatives homes,  get let in or don’t, and don’t just do it once.  eventually they will remember you cared.

I said on my last post that I didn’t want to associate anything with death in the house, so the flowers and cards didn’t stay here,  one friend brought a goody bag,  I was the most grateful of this –

chocolate, after not food shopping and barely eating in weeks,  having something small to nibble on was perfect.

Socks, I bought new clothes for about 3 months because I couldn’t bear to do washing, so they were great (also people should offer to do the laundry etc)

Movies, zone out time for when I wasn’t restless, and they were movies I didn’t relate to him.

Candles and bath products,  the little things helped me feel a little more normal.

Trust me,  the girl in alone again on a Saturday night because she knows promiscuity is a negative grief thing – every little thing helps when your friend or family member is sad in any way.

JFDI (just Fucking do it)  I learnt that today from a book I bought about grieving.

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