My Unhealthy Greif

I realise how I’m acting is unhealthy.  I threw myself into work as soon as possible after his death,  tried to hide my emotions and managed to push caring people away from me.

The way I cope isn’t uncommon,  but we all know it won’t lead down a nice road eventually.

I’m waiting patiently for a councilor to contact me after I managed to reach out for help,  I don’t know how long the wait takes,  and I don’t know what help it will bring,  but I’m looking forward to talking to someone who will truly listen.

I’ve never been a big drinker, so I guess that’s the first major unhealthy change;  I drink almost daily, whether it’s alone or out with company.

However the public drinking brings issues for me,  if I’m out I’m promiscuous, I want to be wanted,  and boy have I done a good job at it, kissing and teasing my way though my city. But all I really want is to take someone home, just to hold me.

24/7 I want to look perfect,  and not achieving that makes me feel anxious and socially unacceptable.

I didn’t eat for a long time,  and when I started to again I only ate take away,  which unfortunately for my purse is still the case.

I’ve smoked more than in my whole life,  purely because it gives me something to occupy my hands with and I don’t seem to care about the health risks.

I’ve done hard drugs and partied the nights away, and taken drugs to make me feel numb.

I, without realising, tried to break up my Mans best friend and his girlfriend,  purely so I could have more attention and grieve with someone close.

I did something that no one around me knows, which I hope they never find out,  but something that made me feel more wanted than I have done recently than any of the other men have made me feel.  I found myself an older man.  With him I know there is no future or long-term ‘thing’ (the age gap etc etc)  he understands my loss,  although I never knew him before,  he brings me gifts and wants to see me for company which is something none of the younger men would want, a percentage of my missing self seems more aware now.

I’m on anti-anxiety medication now,  and this has helped a lot with these feelings,  but I wonder why a doctor would place someone who they know is struggling, onto something that makes them feel worse until they settle into their system. I felt disorientation and a lack of energy for weeks,  depressed and I self harmed.  One thing I learnt from it though is that putting a hot clipper lighter onto your skin burns nicely into his initial. Messed up I know.

Luckily I’m over that stage and I’m plodding along with my resting bitch face.

X